Us and Other Disasters
by vindictive-much
Summary: You were pushed around, beaten, ignored, raped, and caged like an animal. Injured dogs bite because they're scared and trying to defend themselves, and you're no different. Nobody saw you for what you were, but I do.
1. My Word

Title: Us and Other Disasters  
Pairing: Dexter/Jeremy  
Warning: Slash, angst, sexual content, strong language, mentions of violence and rape, spoilers for season one episodes three and seven.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Dexter or any of its characters.

Summary: You've never had a choice in your life, Jeremy. You were pushed around, beaten, ignored, raped, and caged like an animal. Injured dogs bite because they're scared and trying to defend themselves, and you're no different. Nobody saw you for what you were, but I do. And now I'm giving you the choice to turn your life around.

XxX

Chapter 1: My Word

_Dexter's POV_

You're cornered now, and you're scared. I can see it in your eyes. You can't hide anything, no matter how hard you try, and worst of all your vulnerability shows. You hate that most of all, don't you? I understand.

You're looking away from me, but I can tell by the trembling of your body and your laboured breathing that you're in distress, maybe even close to a panic attack. You're afraid of me and what I might do to you, but you shouldn't be. I'm not like him. I won't hurt you. I know how hard that may be for you to believe, but it's true none the less.

I finally speak. I let my defences down, willingly admit to what I am. Why am I doing this for you? What is it about you that evokes things inside of me I never could have anticipated? When your eyes finally meet mine, I know that I now have at least a chance of getting through to you.

You're hesitant to believe me. You don't understand why a killer would be trying to help you. The thing is, kid, I've heard your story, and now I understand. You've never had a choice in your life, Jeremy. You were pushed around, beaten, ignored, raped, and caged like an animal. Injured dogs bite because they're scared and trying to defend themselves, and you're no different. Nobody saw you for what you were, but I do. And now I'm giving you the choice to turn your life around.

You nod, then redirect your gaze to the floor. You're uncertain about what to do now. To be honest, so am I. Where do we go from me trapping you in a corner in order to attempt to rescue you? I never thought I'd be here, doing this.

"Come on, I'll drive you back to the halfway house," I finally say. I guide you back to my car. You're still shaking like a leaf as you sit in the passenger seat, and you aren't still the whole drive. I wonder if I should ask if you're okay. I don't know what could have possibly brought this on.

Then you answer for me, "I thought you were going to rape me."

I turn to you, almost angered by the assumption. I don't what compells me to say, "I would never do that to you, and I'll never let anyone hurt you like that again." You look up at me with those tear filled eyes, obviously reluctant to believe what I'm saying, and I understand. Trust doesn't come easy after all you've been through. For now all I can do is try, and hope that someday my word will be enough for you.


	2. Before You Get Me

Chapter 2: Before You Get Me

Jeremy's POV

I'm a pain in the ass. I'm very aware of that. In fact, I mean to be one. Maybe if I act like a jerk long enough you'll get sick of me and give up like everyone else does. It's better than you leading me on like this. I know you'll only end up hurting me, and I never want to feel that way again.

But somehow every time I drop a sharp impliment dangerously close to your foot, crash your car, let you catch me smoking pot, or mess up the arrangement of your blood slides, it's never the last straw. You get mad as hell and yell at me, but you never let go of me. You don't even hit me or try to hurt me like I'm used to when someone's angry with me. I should be thankful for that, but somehow I just get the idea it's ulterior motives at work. Why else would you be willing to put up with me?

I don't want to trust you, no matter how much I do. You say I shouldn't, and I know that. But why is it you of all people that's started to make me feel for the first time since I was raped? What's so special about you? You may know what I am and you may be the same, but I refuse to let myself believe you're anything other than another person that will eventually abandone me or victimize me.

That's why I am the way I am. I'm just trying to push you away, the same way I did the last of the people that still loved me. People only want me so they can throw me away, and I guess I've just become accustomed to that kind of treatment. I have to get you before you get me. That's the way I've lived my life since childhood, and that's the way it'll stay.


	3. Underneath

Chapter 3: Underneath

_Jeremy's POV_

As hard they try to conceal it, humans are animals. They're base and driven by their instincts. But even those like us have managed to hide our true nature. We repress ourselves and hold ourselves to society's standards. At least that's what we like ourselves to believe.

Nobody's perfect. We have all in some way sinned. Even the highest of religious figures have sinned, mostly through hateful propaganda, and they try to justify it by hiding behind religion. It's part of why I've given up on believing in anything. Sometimes I think of just giving up on faking everything. Although where would that leave me?

I was never one to hide anything, but now I have to in order to survive - at least from the rest of the world that is. But when it's just you and me, I don't have to hide myself. I know that now, after how much I tried to close myself off from you. You accept me inspite of how fucked up I am or how many times I open up old wounds in order to guage your reaction. I guess I'm testing you to see just how far you'll go for me. I don't know why, though, because I know I should be grateful that you're still here with me and I don't have to test that.

I've never told you how much you mean to me, though. I hate to appear vulnerable, so I keep everything inside and put on this act of being tough. I've kept people at bay that way, and for a few years I was okay with that. Because at least if someone didn't get close to me they wouldn't see that I was really just some terrified little kid, and if they weren't close it wouldn't be so easy to hurt me. You've seen me that way, though, so why should I be worried about letting you know what I really think of you?

Maybe because you won't like what you see. Even I don't like it sometimes. I spent four years numb with pain, so it was shocking when one night, out on the boat, dumping a body, I just looked at you... and my heart started pounding like a jack hammer. I only realized it when you looked at me that I was staring at you. I looked away and avoided eye contact with you the rest of the night.

I couldn't make sense of it. I tried to ignore it, tell myself that it was nothing. However, soon I couldn't deny that there was something there. You're under my skin, you're in my head, you're in my heart. A heart I used to think disappeared. But now I know the truth.

I can't let you know, though. I can't take that risk.

But then one night I let it slip. I tell you this. I expected anything but a hug. You tell me that you'll always be there for me, and that I'll never be alone again. I look up at you, ready to accuse you of being a liar and say that I hate you. But all words die on my lips, and I'm just left staring up at you, trying to fight that something inside of me that's saying, "he's telling the truth," and it's stronger than what's telling me, "he doesn't care about you at all."

I close my eyes and let myself relax in your arms. As much as I hate to admit it, even if only to myself, I feel safe with you. You, the same person that could so easily kill me, has actually tried to kill me. I never want to lose you. I think... the real me that's underneath all this is starting to slip through, and strangely I'm okay with that.


End file.
